7 ) The Kelly-Hopkinsville Encounter
Not all alien invasion stories are created equal. In fact, all of them pale in comparison to the Kelly-Hopkinsville encounter because it involves rednecks, alien goblins, and guns. On the night of August 21, 1955, a Kentucky farmer went outside to get a drink of water and claimed to have seen a “flying saucer” crash in a nearby gully. Everyone laughed at him and suggested that he was either lying or hallucinating.
A few minutes later the group saw a three foot tall creature glide towards them. It had an over-sized head, pointy ears, glowing eyes, was dressed in silver metal, had large talons on its hands, and had them raised towards the sky. The group responded like any of us would: they grabbed their guns and started shooting at it. But it just somersaulted away and for the next few hours the group was harangued by a group of goblins that didn’t get hurt by gunfire and seemed to just want to peer inside the house.
The best explanation is that they were shit-faced on moonshine and were shooting at owls. But the police was very adamant in stating that the group was not under the influence of alcohol and drugs and “sincere and sane and that they had no interest in exploiting the case for publicity.”
6 ) The Dancing Mania of Aachen
Not the Tito Puente album, but a craze that swept across Europe and lasted for about 300 years. On June 24, 1374, a large group of people started dancing through the streets of Aachen, Germany, engaging in orgies and screaming about visions. They foamed at their mouths, talked in tongues, and kept dancing even after collapsing from exhaustion. It quickly caught on and rapidly spread through the rest of Europe.
Obvious Thriller joke aside, what made the entire scenario even better was the fact that the first solution was to attempt to pray away the mania. Large religious ceremonies were staged on counter the movement because it was thought to be a form of demonic possession. When that failed, anytime a dance mania would kick off musicians would accompany the afflicted in hopes that it would “treat” them.
There are a few: Michael Jackson turned into a werecat after asking his girlfriend to go steady, ergot poisoning, or mass delusions. You decide which one you like better.
5 ) The Dyatlov Pass Accident
In something that the Blair Witch Project apparently ripped off, nine Russian cross-country skiers went on a trek through the Ural Mountains in 1959. They were forced to set up camp during a snow storm but something scared them enough to make a mad dash through the harsh subzero weather towards a nearby forest wearing practically nothing. Not surprisingly, all were found dead afterwards. None of them had any signs of outward trauma.
Since no Cher CDs were found it is unknown why they would dash into the snow to die, but other hikers in the area swear there were strange lights in the sky. Five were found to have died of simple hypothermia - it appears that they just ran out into the cold and froze to death - but four were found in strange circumstances: two had crushed ribs, one had a crushed skull, and one was missing her tongue. These four were dosed with radiation and families swear that their skin turned orange and their hair white.
No tongue? Aliens! Buzz-kills want us to believe that an avalanche or a weapons test gone wrong caused the deaths, but there is no evidence of either, and most records were lost after the fall of the USSR or are still sealed.
4 ) The Northwest Orient Airlines Flight 305 Hijacking
On November 24, 1971, a man that resembled Michael Douglas’ character in Falling Down sat down and requested a bourbon with soda. The man is D.B. Cooper and he is about to become an American legend. After lighting a cigarette he passed the stewardess a note saying that he’ll detonate a bomb if he isn’t given $200,000 in cash and four parachutes.
After the FBI gives him the money and parachutes, he straps it to himself and asks for the plane to go to Mexico City. After 45 minutes in the air he offers each of the stewardesses a $2,000 tip, opens a door in the back, and bails into the darkness and rain.
He had balls that were made of diamonds. Expert experienced paratrooper and skydivers swear that there is no way he could have survived the jump but no body is ever found. A few people come forward, either claiming to be D.B. Cooper or claiming to know who he was, but DNA evidence disproves their claims.
3 ) The May Day Mystery
Every May 1st since 1981, a cryptic ad has been placed in the Arizona Daily Wildcat.
At first glance they are just gibberish, but analysis by fans has revealed that they seem to be laying out a story that involves The Orphanage, a secret society that is placing the ads, that wants to give away The Prize, which is a reward that is in a safe deposit box for whoever solves the mystery. The Orphanage transports White Rabbit/Wonder Bread, which are unknown items, and seem to have some obsession with Martin Luther because his image appears on a lot of the ads.
The super-model-sexy explanation is that there is a super secret society that is trying to see if anyone out there is smart enough to crack their code. The seeing-your-grandmother-naked explanation is that the ads are placed by Robert Truman Hungerford, an eccentric lawyer that claims to be the legal counsel for “The Brotherhood”, and that he is bat shit insane.
2 ) The Max Headroom Signal Piracy Incident
On a typical Chicago night on November 22, 1987, someone wearing a Max Headroom mask managed to hijack a broadcast signal twice - once CBS and once PBS. Pirating a broadcast signal is incredibly hard. According to the FBI the cost of doing something like this could range from a couple thousand dollars to over $25,000.
The first intrusion took place while CBS was going through sports scores. “Max” appeared for about 30 seconds and swayed in front of a corrugated metal sheet until CBS killed his signal. The second intrusion took place while PBS was showing an episode of Doctor Who. “Max” appeared around 11:15 PM and started dancing around while saying random phrases. He then decided to moon the viewers and was spanked by someone wearing a dress with a flyswatter. Then the signal blacked out. It pissed off Doctor Who fans to the point that one remarked: “I got so upset that I wanted to bust the TV set… I really did.”
The most badass one is that it was a bored hacker that wanted to show off his abilities. The not as awesome, but still interesting one is that someone had a grudge against the CBS station. The philosophical one is that he used Max Headroom because it was set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland ruled by TV corporations and freedom fighters spread their message by hijacking TV feeds. But either way, no one knows, because “Max” covered his trail extremely well and there is practically no evidence anymore.
1 ) The Lead Masks Case
Some crazy shit happens in Brazil, there are parts of Rio de Janeiro where pilots refuse to fly over out of fears that slum lords will shoot them down. So, it is only natural that mysterious deaths have to involve UFOs. On August 20, 1966, in Niteroi, the bodies of two healthy men in their 30s were found on a hilltop. Both men were wearing half-masks made of lead that covered the upper half of their faces. A notebook keeping diagrams and partially coded notes along with a strange letter was found with the bodies.
Lead masks aside, the autopsies revealed that both men were healthy and had died when their hearts just stopped beating. The notebook contained references to the Ohm equation and the letter appeared to be instructions to appear at the hilltop, swallow orange capsules, and to wait for the “promised sign.” Naturally, people came forward to claim that strange orange objects were hovering over the hilltop the same day. When investigators searched one of the men’s workshop they found a book that discussed scientific spiritualism in which passages dealing with masks and intense rays of light were marked.
Theories about aliens, psychics, cults, etc started to spread but none had any evidence. The police closed the investigation saying: “I have no doubt they died of an experiment with psychic forces, for which they were ill-prepared and which turned out to be fatal.”
Bizarre Unsolved Mysteries
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